Chapter 7 - Nightmare

      “I’ll never betray you like that…” the deep voice, so familiar, cut through the swirl of images and voices that assailed her.

      Yes you will! Always betrayed… they were supposed to love me! She ran, fleeing the memories. A large man chased her, his harsh, drunken voice shouting after her.

      “Worthless li’l bitch! Ye’ll be a whore like yer mum!” He lumbered on, swinging his cane at her. She barely dodged the rod as it whistled past her head.

      “I didn’t do it, Uncle!” she screamed back at him. Redoubling her efforts, she began to put more distance between him and herself. Not my fault! I loved her too!

      “Get back here and cook supper, girl!” the man screamed, his voice fading into the distance. “Yer th’ death of my family! Everythin’ was perfect ‘till we took ya in!”

      Keep running, don’t look back. If I stay he’ll kill me, she thought in fear. She’s gone… she can’t stop him anymore… Peter will be fine without me…

      “Don’t go,” a little boy’s voice called. She skidded to a halt as a young boy of four or five materialized out of the mist. “Don’t go,” he repeated, “you said you’d take care of me. You’d be my mommy now.”

      “I can’t,” she cried, shaking, “I’m just eight years old! I don’t know how to be a mommy! He hurts me! He loves you, you’re his son. I’m sorry!”

      She turned away, ignoring his calls for her, and continued to run. She didn’t know where she was going; everything seemed the same in the darkness. All that mattered was that she didn’t stop, didn’t let the memories catch her. Laughter fell on her ears, and the sound of running feet behind her. It was familiar laughter, the laughter of many older boys. Their shadows coalesced out of the mist, surrounding her. “No,” she moaned, terror gripping her as she realized she was surrounded.

      “Hey li’l girl,” one of the faceless teens called. “You are a girl, aincha? Been lyin’ to us, aye?”

      “LIAM!” she screamed, looking around frantically for her friend and protector.

      “He dressed ya up real good, fooled us right proper,” another boy said, reaching for her. “Why don’t ya take that off ‘n let us find out what ya really are.”

      More hands seized her as the darkness closed upon her. She couldn’t move - she couldn’t do anything but scream as invisible hands began tearing at her clothes. Voices from invisible mouths taunted and jeered her, laughing to one another.

      “Li’l young, eh? Liam must’a liked ‘em young.”

      “Better’n ‘im likin’ li’l boys, like we thought.”

      “Ain’t she cute? Ain’t even got tits yet.”

      “LIAM!” she screamed again. He was supposed to protect her, he’d promised. But he couldn’t now. Not anymore. He’d given her up to the gang to save face. He’d betrayed her. But when they’d come for her, he’d given his life to give her enough time to run. You were my friends… I was part of your gang… why do you want to hurt me? Why did you kill Liam over me? “Why, Liam?” she sobbed.

      “He ain’t comin’. Why you wanna play with him? You can play with us fer a change.” The voices continued as they began to argue over who’d play first.

      Where were the birds? They were supposed to save her… they’d saved her before. “Help me! Solomon!” But this time there was no salvation. No rustling wings descended upon the boys. There were no cries of pain from her would-be rapists as her rescuers drove them away. No soft feathers to soothe her bruised arms and legs, no sweet birdsong to calm her tears and make her smile.

      Instead, a woman’s voice gradually filled her ears, drowning out the boys and forcing the darkness away. The memories faded away again and she let them go in relief. She would be happy without them. The fairies had promised her she’d be happy and loved… but they’d lied to her. Betrayed again.

      She focused on the words, the voice, feeling peace descend upon her. It was one of her favorite stories, and it brought back feelings from happier times, the last time she’d been truly loved. The last time she’d been allowed to be herself.

      “Auntie?” she called hopefully and opened her eyes.

      Hook sat on the small bunk and held Peter close, restraining her as much as possible as she writhed. She’d become so animated in the last half hour that she’d fallen from her bed and lashed out with fists and feet whenever someone had tried to touch her. The man could have just left her to her nightmares, maybe sat back and watched her torment while enjoying a glass of wine, except that he was afraid she’d hurt herself. The fairy king had said he might give Peter to him if he desired her. That prospect was too tempting, the idea of having Pan permanently in his power, with no concern that she may escape, was simply delicious. And Hook thought he’d be more likely to receive that delightful gift if he showed the strange pixie that he could be trusted to not break or neglect her.

      So he contemplated Peter in silence, ignoring the story Wendy was reciting in her effort to calm the girl down. She’ll make a good mother when she grows up. She has rare patience and tenderness. Her story was some inane tale he vaguely recalled hearing before, long ago. Peter’s words were what interested him. Whatever she was dreaming, it seemed to be terrifying. Most of her words were indecipherable, but some names stood out. Peter, Liam, Solomon… she called to them desperately. Why would she cry her own name? Was that how she obtained her masculine name, by taking it from someone she’d known?

      By degrees, the distraught girl calmed, and as her struggles and cries lessened, both Hook and Wendy relaxed. Wendy’s shaking voice steadied and her story became more detailed and coherent as she began to think about what she was saying. Starkey had done a good job of calming her earlier, but Peter’s distress had upset her again. Once Hook had gotten the thrashing girl in hand, Wendy had insisted on telling a story, saying that it had helped to calm Peter’s nightmares before. She did admit, however, that Peter had never been this bad in the past.

      After a seeming eternity, Peter lay peaceful in sleep. Finally, Hook thought with a sneer as he shifted her, ready to put her down and go back to his own business. But then she gave a sigh and said, “Auntie?” Then she opened her eyes.

      Hook smiled in amusement at the rainbow of emotions that flickered across her face in that instant: disappointment, confusion, dawning realization, fear, and then finally anger. She scowled back at Hook, realizing the compromising position she was in.

      “Let go of me,” she barked as she struggled to sit up. Wendy’s recitation of her story stopped abruptly as she realized her audience was awake at last.

      “Peter!” she sang happily, relieved and overjoyed to see her friend.

      Peter turned her head and saw Wendy sitting beside her. She flushed, embarrassed that someone had seen her being held like a baby by Captain Hook. “Hello, Wendy,” she muttered, still pulling against Hook’s grip. “Let me GO, Codfish!” she nearly screamed, anger and shame making their close contact intolerable.

      “Peter!” this time Wendy’s voice cracked with authority, her tone indicating displeasure. When Peter turned to stare at her, eyes wide with surprise, she continued to scold her. “Captain Hook has been kind enough to help us. You have no reason to be so rude to him!”

      “No reason?” Peter protested, but Wendy barreled on, venting her anxieties.

      “He’s held you while you were having a nightmare and helped me calm you down. You should apologize and thank him.”

      “No,” Peter snapped, “I will not! I wasn’t having a nightmare, and even if I had, I don’t care if Codfish sang me a lullaby, I’ll not thank him for it!”

      Hook had neither expected nor wanted an apology or thanks from Pan, and had been quite amused to watch Wendy scold Peter. But Peter’s blatant refusal to do either, regardless of the circumstances, was rather galling. Hook stood abruptly, tumbling Peter out of his lap onto the floor. “You are an exceptionally rude little girl, Pan,” he snarled as he glared at her. Peter sat on the floor and glared back, undaunted. “You would do well to learn some manners.”

      Hook paused a moment as an idea came to him, and a slow smile lit his face. “You have many lessons to learn, young lady. And learn them you shall. As long as you are my… guest,” Hook sneered the word as his smile turned to a grin, “you will look and act as a proper young lady should. You will continue to dress appropriately, you will learn good manners and USE them, and you will be proper and modest in all things.”

      Peter had begun laughing when Hook mentioned learning manners. She howled when he said she would be proper and modest. But Wendy’s firm voice made the laughter die in a heartbeat.

      “I think that’s a wonderful idea,” she said primly, glaring at Peter. When Peter gaped at her, dumbfounded, she turned to smile at Hook. “I thank you, Captain, for helping me calm Peter. I don’t know what I would have done without you. And I apologize for Peter’s rudeness. I thought I taught him… umm, her… better.”

      Hook bowed politely. “You’re welcome and I accept your apology, Miss Wendy. But the best time for Miss Pan to start learning basic manners is now.”

      “I have manners,” Peter answered coldly, “but I’ll not waste the effort on you.” She blamed her predicament on Hook. If he hadn’t caught her, her godparents wouldn’t have turned on her. The memory of that betrayal pierced her heart and anger warred with grief within her.

      Hook ignored the girl, keeping his gaze on Wendy. “You, Miss, are invited to dine with me this evening. It has been a most trying day for you, I know, and I will do my best to accommodate you. Mr. Smee will come collect you in a few hours.”

      Wendy nodded, “What about Peter?”

      Peter snorted, but Hook merely smiled. “If she decides to behave and be civil to me, she may come. Until then, I have important things to take care of.” He tipped his hat at both of them and left, locking the door behind him.

      Peter and Wendy glared at each other in silence for a moment, then Peter spat, “Traitor.”

      Wendy startled at that, shocked. “Peter Pan! What has gotten into you? Why are you being so mean?”

      “Why did you side with Hook?”

      “Because he’s been helping me all day with you! Because he and the pirates have been extremely nice for once and I don’t want to ruin that,” Wendy explained. “We’re trapped here, Peter, and our boys have been taken away! We can’t keep Hook as an enemy right now!”

      Peter frowned, taken aback. “Taken away? Who took the boys away?”

      “King Oberon took them somewhere,” Wendy replied, tears filling her eyes again. “Even Michael. He said that one of them might be the next Pan. I don’t understand what he meant by that.”

      The world spun and everything suddenly seemed much too bright. “The next Pan?” Peter whispered, her eyes going wide. “They’re going to replace me? Just because I’m a girl… why?” What will happen to me then? They’ll send me away! Back to the real world. I can’t… I can’t go back there! She didn’t know why the thought of returning there for good frightened her so, but it did. She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself. “I guess that’s it then,” she sighed, “they don’t want me anymore. Fine! I don’t care!” But she did care; she cared so much she felt like she was dying inside. And she wished she really was, because then the pain would stop.

      “What will happen to the Lost Boys?” Wendy asked, wiping away her tears. “Will they be okay?”

      Peter nodded, trying to concentrate on the situation at hand and not what might be. “They’ll be tested, like I was when Tink first brought me here. It’s uncomfortable at times, I remember it actually hurt once, but in then end it was wonderful. I don’t remember what they did to me; I just remember how it felt. They’ll be fine… and if one of them is the next Pan, they’ll replace me and King Oberon will get rid of me.”

      “Get rid of you?” Wendy whispered, finally seeing how upset the other girl was. She reached out for her friend and hugged her, squeezing tightly when Peter hugged her back. “Oh, Peter, I’m so sorry. I’ve been so worried about you and everyone, I forgot how horrible it’s been for you.”

      “Please don’t be mad at me anymore, Wendy,” Peter whispered, “I can’t lose you too. Everything’s so wrong! I’m a girl… I didn’t know I was a girl… I don’t know what I’m supposed to do!”

      Wendy welcomed the role of the comforting mother, slipping into it effortlessly. It allowed her to distance herself from her worries, and she concentrated on the girl in her arms. Peter buried her head in Wendy’s shoulder and let the girl stroke her back, savoring the affection. “I know Peter, but it’ll be alright. I’ll teach you what you need to know. Girls are better than boys, we’re smarter.”

      “I’m sorry I can’t be your son anymore,” Peter sniffed.

      Wendy paused for a moment, and a large smile spread across her face. “I have plenty of sons, Peter. But now I have a daughter. I’ve always wanted a daughter!” She resumed rubbing Peter’s back, giggling in delight. “A little girl of my own, to dress up and teach how to be a mother herself one day. And someone to help me cook and clean.”

      Peter groaned and pulled back. “I don’t want to change, Wendy. Why do I have to change? I’m still the same person; the only thing that’s different about me is that everyone knows.”

      Wendy looked perplexed, confused by the question. “I don’t know, Peter. But there are rules about boys and girls. We’re different and we are supposed to do things differently. Girls are as good as boys, maybe even better, and there’s nothing a boy can do that we can’t. But there are some things boys do that we shouldn’t. I’ll teach you, and Captain Hook will help me.”

      Peter shook her head defiantly. “I’ll be a good daughter and listen to you, Wendy, but don’t make me obey Hook. He’s still the same, too, and he wants nothing more than to hurt me. I don’t care what he did while I was asleep. You didn’t see how he treated me yesterday.”

      “He told me he captured you while you were showering and that you didn’t believe you were a girl at first. And he said that you didn’t want to wear the dress,” Wendy answered, curious as to what else may have happened.

      “I didn’t want to wear it, and he got angry. We fought and I nearly won, but then he went crazy. He ripped off my clothes, Wendy!” Peter snarled, her anger rising at the memory. It wasn’t that he’d stripped her that was upsetting; it was how he’d made her feel. He’d terrorized her, and she remembered well the mind numbing fear that had consumed her. For some reason, it had scared her more than anything else she could remember. Not only did she hate him for striking that terror in her heart, she hated him also for gaining that victory over her, for accomplishing something no one in Neverland had ever done: made her truly afraid. “He pinned me on the floor and ripped off my clothes and left me in here in the dark, naked, with nothing to wear but that horrible dress!”

      Wendy’s eyes became wide and she stared at Peter, stricken. “That… that monster!” she hissed. “Don’t worry, Peter, I won’t let him touch you again!”

      Peter chuckled, her amusement at Wendy’s words helping to quell her anger. “I can take care of Codfish, Wendy. I’ve done it for all this time and I can still do it now.”

      “But you’re my daughter!” Wendy protested, “I have to take care of you! Though,” she paused, a troubled look crossing her face. “It is rather awkward, having a daughter that is older than me.”

      “I’m not older than you, Wendy. We’re the same size.”

      Wendy took Peter’s hand and squeezed it gently. “A few things happened when Oberon was here, Peter. Things you don’t know about. He did something to you, something that hurt you. You died… but they brought you back. Do you remember that?”

      Peter stared into Wendy’s dark eyes, thinking back to what seemed only a short time ago. She remembered Oberon’s words, and the pain that had filled her. Something nagged at her mind, something that made her heart ache. She heard her godmother calling to her, asking her to come back… “But the light was so warm and pretty,” Peter whispered, “I didn’t want to come back, Wendy, I could see Heaven. But Gloriana called to me, she said she needed me. Then Oberon grabbed me and made me come back.” Her voice hitched and pain filled her heart. “They lied. They don’t need me. They don’t want me anymore. But they made me come back anyway. I could have been happy, but they made me come back.”

      “Oh Peter,” Wendy sighed, “I’m sorry. But I’m glad you came back. I would have been so sad if you left without me and didn’t even say goodbye.” Then she took a deep breath and continued. “It changed you, Peter. You got a little older.”

      “Older?” Peter stared at her in alarm. “How much older?” She looked down at herself, trying to gauge the change. She couldn’t see anything different, but the dress covered her too well for that to mean anything. Deciding on fixing that problem at least, Peter stood and began trying to reach around to unfasten the buttons in the back of her dress. “Help me, Wendy?” she asked after she’d failed miserably to reach the top buttons.

      Wendy began unbuttoning Peter’s dress, but paused in shock when she saw the ugly bruises that covered her back. “What happened here?” she asked, gingerly touching the girl’s skin.

      “When Hook and I fought over the dress, he threw me into the wall,” Peter answered, tugging at the bow behind her. That at least she could reach. “It stunned me enough for him to pin me to the floor.”

      “How could he? How could he fight a little girl like that?” Wendy snapped angrily as she finished undoing the buttons.

      “I’d rather him fight me like that,” Peter answered, “It’s how we’ve always fought. I don’t like it when he treats me like I’m different now.”

      “But…” Wendy began.

      Peter turned to face her, staring at her intently. “I’m the same, Wendy. I’m still Peter Pan. I’m still the one that cut off his hand, and I’m still the one he’s vowed to kill. I’ll not change for him. For you I’ll try to be more like a lady, someone you’d be proud to call your daughter. But not for him… he’s an evil man and I’ll never bend to him.”

      They stared a moment longer, and Peter blinked in surprise when she realized that she was now looking down a bit to look at her friend. “Oh, Wendy, what did they do to me?” She struggled to get out of the dress, and once it lay pooled around her feet she looked down to stare at herself. There were a few changes, changes she didn’t understand. The areas around her nipples were swollen, forming two small mounds that reminded her of Tiger Lily’s shape. Her hips also stood out a bit more prominently, the beginnings of a waistline that was also reminiscent of the Indian princess. Even more shocking was to discover that she now had a light growth of hair in the region between her legs - something that she’d never heard of and just somehow didn’t seem right.

      Wendy gasped as she saw her friend’s naked body. “I – you… you ARE a girl! I thought I believed it… but…” She shook her head, trying to overcome her shock. As long as she’d known Peter, she felt something special for the boy, and she’d loved him in a way she’d never loved anyone else. When she’d seen Peter in the dress, it had been weird, but she’d still seen the boy. But now… now there was no denying it anywhere in her heart that Peter was truly a girl. It took her a few moments to accept this new reality.

      Peter was on the verge of tears again, something she was getting well and truly tired of. But then, if she’d ever had reason to cry since she came to Neverland, her present situation was it. And now to see that her godfather had taken away what amounted to years of her life, years that would have translated to decades or more in Neverland, it was almost as cruel as when he’d snatched her from Heaven’s gate.

      “Do I look much like you?” Peter whispered, looking away from the overwhelming changes her body was showing. “Am I normal? Is this supposed to happen when you grow?”

      Sympathy and understanding filled Wendy and she smiled at Peter in what she hoped was a reassuring way. “You really don’t know, do you? What you are, that is. No one’s told you or warned you.” She bit her lip, thinking frantically about how best to reassure her friend. “I think this is normal. I’ve seen my mother undress before, sometimes she’d have me help her get ready for a party and I’d see her. It’s not bad for girls to see each other naked I think. You look a bit like that, but more like me than her, so you’re more like a little girl than a grown woman.” Finally she decided and began to pull off her own dress.

      Peter backed up a step, looking at her in confusion. “What are you doing?”

      “I’m going to show you, so you won’t worry so much about if you’re normal,” Wendy answered, her voice muffled as she pulled the dress over her head. She began talking off her shoes and stockings, then pulling off her undershirt. Soon she stood completely unclad, blushing lightly at the way Peter stared at her. “See? We’re a lot alike, but you’re older now. I’ll look more like you when I grow up some.”

      Peter nodded, staring at Wendy. First Billy, now Wendy… the only two other people besides herself that she’d seen unclothed. It was rather strange, but considering how strange everything else was right now it really didn’t shock her too much. Seeing Wendy was actually a relief, alleviating a fear that she hadn’t really realized she had till now. Was she normal? She’d compared herself to boys all these years, and Billy had proved that she didn’t belong in that category. Being able to compare herself to Wendy and see that she belonged gave her a footing, solidifying again her sense of identity. She was like Wendy and Tiger Lily. There were others like her, she belonged somewhere. She wasn’t a freak. “Thank you, Wendy,” she whispered and began to pull her own dress back on.

      Wendy smile and started to get dressed herself. When she was done, she helped Peter, who was once again having problems with the buttons on her dress. But as much as she tried, she couldn’t get the buttons fastened again. She began pulling, trying to stretch the cloth in an effort to pull the button close to the button-hole, but it just wouldn’t reach.

      “Stop,” Peter gasped as the tight fabric squeezed her chest, making it difficult to breathe.

      “Just suck in your stomach,” Wendy grunted, pulling as much as she could. Peter complied and she got a few buttons done. Continuing in that way, eventually the girls got the dress fastened again, though Wendy was worried that a couple would pop if Peter wasn’t careful.

      Peter turned to look at her, a pained expression on her face. “I really hate this dress, Wendy.” She’d noticed it had felt more constricting when she’d awakened, but now it was definitely too tight. I suppose I grew in it and it stretched, and now I can’t pack myself back into it right. I almost wish I’d grown a bit more so I could have split the seams and not have to wear it again.

      Wendy giggled and nodded. “That’s okay. Mr. Smee is making another one for you and one for me too. Maybe he’ll bring it by soon.”

      “Wonderful,” Peter groaned, not relishing the prospect of more dresses to wear.

      Hook sat in his cabin and watched Smee and Starkey as they bickered over the two dresses. Smee was a surprisingly accomplished tailor, and Hook trusted the man implicitly to see to all his wardrobe needs. Many of his clothes had been tailored from scratch by the old bosun. Starkey on the other hand had good taste in clothes (as did Hook), but he had more experience with women’s fashions. Starkey explained this knowledge as a result of his many lady friends that he’d bought clothes for in his days before he became a pirate (and had indicated that he chose piracy to pay off some outstanding debts he had acquired). Hook wasn’t sure if he believed that, but he didn’t really care either. The man knew his way around a dress, and that was all the Captain cared about right now.

      If one idiot knows how to design a dress, and the other idiot knows how to sew one, then it would seem that together they should be able to make a dress. Starkey and Smee were engaged in a rather heated argument over some stupid aspect of the gown. Hook paid them little mind; they’d fought over everything from color to which buttons to use. The only reason he didn’t knock them senseless was that they were actually making progress, and their basic ideas for the dresses were decent enough. Altering the remaining dresses Hook had in the chest was out of the question. They were meant for grown women and it would be nearly impossible to take them in enough for two young girls to wear. Perhaps if I can keep her, she’ll grow up and wear them for me one day. Hook felt his smile widen.

      The more he entertained the idea of being given Peter Pan, the more he wanted the girl. And the more he wanted the girl, the more determined he was that she would learn how to dress and act as a proper young lady. While killing her would slake his thirst for vengeance, conquering her would be much more satisfying. I will make her submit to my will, I will mold her into my ideal of a young woman, and when Oberon replaces her with a boy and gives me final custody of her, she will already be properly trained.

      Hook wasn’t sure what he would do with a young girl aboard a ship. Perhaps he could get use out of her as a chamber maid. Billy Jukes had been rather useless as a cabin boy, always breaking things and forgetting his duties, so Peter could fulfill that duty. The idea of Peter cleaning his quarters and pressing his shirts made him smile. Or he could put her to work in the kitchen. While Hook doubted the girl knew how to cook, she at least had enough common sense that she could stop Cookson from putting in the more questionable ingredients.

      But first, she must be trained. And who better to help him train the willful little wench than Wendy Darling. Peter would rather die than acquiesce to any of Hook’s demands that she behave properly, and knowing the girl, she just may provoke him sufficiently to do just that. But Wendy… Wendy had already showed that she agreed with Hook that Peter should learn her manners and act properly. And Peter always listened to his dear, beloved Wendy. All Hook would have to do is keep Wendy in his pocket, convince her that he only had the best of intentions in teaching Peter, that he was being a gentleman by offering his assistance, and the motherly little girl would side with him in bending Peter to his will. And with Wendy’s influence over the hapless girl, Peter would bend.

      Just keep Wendy happy, and Peter is mine to do with as I please. His grin turned feral, anticipating the day when Pan became the proper, obedient, modest girl that stood for everything Peter Pan abhorred today. And she will be mine. My perfect little lady.