Chapter 17 - Innocence Lost

      Peter sat in her bed and stared at the candlelight flickering against the glass that protected it. I can’t believe I’m afraid of the dark, she thought in disgust. But she had to admit to herself that the thought of that light going out made her stomach lurch. It’s not the dark… it’s just easier to imagine things in the dark. I am afraid of the memories. That reasoning helped soothe her injured pride, so once more she lay back and tried to go to sleep. But try as she might, the image of the red-haired boy continued to haunt her, denying her sleep.

      I give up! she thought at long last, swallowing her disgust at what she was going to do. She pulled her old boots on, wrapped a blanket around her shoulders, and made her way to the deck. Mullins was on night-watch, and he merely nodded to her when he saw her up and about. She gave him a slight smile in response and tentatively continued to the door of Hook’s cabin. She’d suspected he’d still be awake, and by the glow seeping from under his door she had been correct. I don’t need him, she thought rebelliously, but she raised her hand and knocked.

      “What!” the voice bellowed from within, Hook’s voice tinged with more than a trace of irritation.

      “I knew I was just being an idiot,” she growled softly, turning on her heel to go back to her room. She made it three steps before the door behind her swung open.

      “Pan?” Hook snapped, surprise lifting most of the annoyance he’d felt. He had thought it was Smee again, the old blighter never knew when to leave him alone sometimes, always asking if there was something his Captain needed. This girl was the last person he’d expected to be knocking on his door past midnight. “What do you want?”

      “Nothing from you, Codfish,” Peter answered, hastening her steps without looking back. Stupid, weak-willed, idiotic…GIRL! What was I thinking?

      Hook frowned. “Miss Pan, come back here this instant.” He waited patiently while Peter froze, indecisive, both of them waiting to see if she’d obey. He wasn’t terribly surprised when she turned around and made her way back, but he was confused by the way her eyes glared at the boards and the light flush on her cheeks. When she paused just outside his threshold, he stood aside and gestured for her to enter.

      “I shouldn’t have come,” she growled, walking to the middle of his room, clutching the blanket tightly.

      Hook closed the door and returned to his comfortable chair. He directed her to take one across from him, and once she sat down he did the same. “So why did you come, then?”

      Peter shifted self-consciously, not looking up at the man. “Couldn’t sleep,” she muttered.

      “I’m hardly surprised, Kitten, considering how much you’ve been sleeping lately. But why did you knock on my door?”

      Peter didn’t answer. She just sat there, staring at her hands as she asked herself that very same question. The answer was an easy one, but she couldn’t bring herself to say it out loud, and especially not to Hook… but she couldn’t think of a lie that sounded even remotely convincing.

      After waiting for a seeming eternity, Hook rubbed his temple, frustration and annoyance welling up again. “Fine then. If you don’t have a reason, even a poor one, then go. If you can’t sleep, I’m sure Mullins will keep you company. I don’t have the patience for your nonsense.”

      “No!” Peter’s head came up, fearful eyes locking on the captain. “I can’t… I have to… I keep seeing him when I close my eyes.” Her fists clenched the edges of her blanket, the knuckles white.

      Hook nodded, seeing the need to speak in her eyes. He was suddenly painfully aware of how desperate Pan must be right now for her to willingly seek him out for comfort. The gloating triumph he expected to feel was only a whisper, washed away by his growing concern for her. “Liam?” he asked, the name spoken with revulsion. She nodded, and he settled further into his chair, waiting for her to collect herself enough to say her piece.

      “He didn’t rape me,” she said at last, catching Hook off-guard. “I know that’s what you think, that’s why you don’t like him. But he didn’t… he only did what I let him do.”

      “The very fact he carried on with a child constitutes rape, whether you wanted it or not!” Hook answered emphatically.

“He…” Peter groped for the words, trying to explain them right. “When you say rape, I don’t really know what that means. I get pieces of ideas, bad feelings and stuff, but I don’t know really what it means. But I know it’s not what he did. You just don’t understand him.”

      Hook thought Peter was the one who didn’t understand Liam. And he didn’t think she was in any position to tell him that someone didn’t rape her if she didn’t know what the word meant. But he wanted to hear what she had to say, not teach her about sex, so he let it go. “Tell me everything you remember about this boy. I’d very much like to understand who he was to you.”

      “I don’t know where to start,” Peter said weakly, staring at her hands again.

      “Generally one starts at the beginning and finishes at the end,” Hook said, annoyance making his words sharp.

      Peter smirked at him, looking up to glare with a touch of her old defiance. “Thank you, Captain Obvious. You don’t have to be such an ass!”

      “And you never had to be such a cocky, irresponsible, hateful little brat for the entire time I’ve known you,” Hook retorted.

      Peter stared at Hook, surprised. But then a smile bloomed on her face, and her eyes sparkled in the candlelight. “I thought I’d lost you, Codfish. You’ve been so nice and considerate today that it’s quite had me out of sorts.”

      “Would you rather I be cruel?” Hook asked in all seriousness. “I can be quite cruel, if I wish. I could lock you in the brig, or just go ahead and sink you to the depths.” Surprisingly, Peter didn’t say anything. Instead she frowned, obviously considering his offer seriously. “I can be kind too, Kitten. You need a friend right now.”

      “Friend?” she repeated, laughing lightly. “You’ll never be my friend, Captain. You hate me too much and you always will. You’re just having too much fun at my expense to let your hate ruin it.” Her laughter died, and Hook realized her eyes were bright with tears. “But we are allies, and as my ally I suppose I should at least try to trust you until you prove to me that I shouldn’t anymore.” She curled up in her chair, getting comfortable, and began her story.

      “I think I ran away from home… actually I’m sure I did, and I think it was because my uncle hit me. I was eight, and I picked a bad time to leave. It was winter-time in London, and there was lots of snow and wind. I didn’t have any money or food… I was wearing boy’s clothes. I think I stole them from someone in my family, a little boy, but I don’t remember who he was. I just knew my uncle might look for me, and he’d be looking for a girl.

      “I don’t know how many nights I slept outside, but I remember it being long enough for me to be pretty desperate. I was hungry all the time – I remember eating out of the garbage – and I was so cold that I couldn’t feel my fingers and toes most of the time. I’d guess I was alone for a week, and then it got colder and wetter, and I thought I was going to die.

      “No one cared about a gutter-rat (that’s what the shop-keepers called me when they chased me away from their stalls), and more than a few said, ‘Too bad, but there’ll be one less beggar on the streets come spring.’ That’s a horrible thing to tell a child.”

      Hook noticed she’d paused and he shook his head. “Yes, horrible. Please continue.”

      Peter took another moment, recalling the first time Liam had saved her life. “One night I was wandering through the alleys, looking for someplace to get out of the wind. I couldn’t feel my feet at all, my shoes were split open so my toes could have room, but all the slush could get in and freeze my feet. That’s when I saw Liam. He was standing next to a fire… bunch of garbage he’d piled up and lit. I’d been avoiding men at night, but I was so hungry and cold that I didn’t care anymore. So I went up to him and asked if I could share his fire.

      “He agreed and was really nice. I acted like I was a boy and said my name was Peter. People take boys more seriously; they think they can do whatever they want to a girl. Once I got warmed back up, he told me that he had some food and a warm place to sleep, and said I could share with him. I was so hungry that I jumped at the chance to get something real to eat. So he took me to his lair.”

      Lair, Hook mused. Like a predator, he had a lair. And he lured you into it very neatly, didn’t he?

      “He fed me, and gave me some boots that fit better… my toes were messed up, so he rubbed them for me and made it so I could feel them better. His place was in a basement of an accounting office, near the boiler. He kept his stuff hidden really well, and we lived down there for the rest of the winter, no one the wiser. But that’s later. The first night, he seemed really nice and stuff and I liked him right off. But then he jumped on me.”

      “Jumped on you?” Hook repeated, needing clarification. But he already thought the worst of the teen and his mind was coming up with all the possibilities of what “jumped” could mean.

“He asked me to get something for him, and when I turned around he grabbed me. I was only eight, and he was fifteen he said, so he was a lot bigger than me. He stuck his hand down my pants and touched me where he oughtn’t.” Peter’s face reddened and she looked away, but she continued her story. “He was mad because I’d lied to him about being a boy even after his hospitality. So when he proved to himself that I was a girl, he just dropped me. I thought he’d kill me, and he looked angry enough to do it. But then he smiled at me… it reminds me now of the way you smile sometimes when you get a really wicked idea and start pretending to be nice.”

      Hook frowned, offended at being compared to Liam, but he maintained his silence.

      “He told me how smart I was, knowing better than to act like a girl. But he said my acting was off, and only a blind man would believe me. So he offered me a deal: he’d teach me how to be a boy and live on the streets, share everything square with me – food, shelter, money, clothes – and he’d watch my back and protect me as well as he could… said I’d be like his little brother; in return I’d do what he said, no matter what, and share everything square with him. I wasn’t sure if I should believe him, especially after he’d jumped me, but he just shrugged and told me to take it or leave it and showed me the door. It was so cold and dark outside, and so warm inside… I couldn’t bear going back out into that and being alone and friendless again. So I agreed.”

      “Did he keep his end of the bargain?” Hook asked, pouring himself a glass of neverberry wine.

      “Yes, his end and more. If you’d have ever asked him if he’d die for someone, he’d have laughed. He liked to pretend that he was selfish and didn’t care… and at first I believed his act. But in the end he gave up everything to keep me safe. He loved me… he was the first person to love me in a long time.” Peter watched curiously as Hook swirled the wine in his glass before sipping. “Can I have some?”

      Hook looked at her and snorted, trying not to smile. “You’re much too young, Kitten.”

      “But I’m ever so much older than I was,” she answered. Hook considered for a few moments, and Peter restrained herself from asking again while he thought. Then the man nodded and fetched another glass, which he filled with the deep-red liquid and handed to her. “Thanks,” she said, feeling suddenly very thirsty. She took a giant gulp even as Hook tried to warn her, and she nearly choked as the alcohol burned its way down her throat.

      Hook deftly caught the glass as Peter bent over, coughing and choking on the wine. He set it safely aside and shook his head. “Always impatient, aren’t you, Kitten. Well, now you see why you should take your time with grown-up things.” Peter didn’t answer, so he waited until she got herself back under control and sat back up. Her eyes were watery and red, and her entire face and neck were flushed scarlet. It was rather entertaining, and he barely concealed his smile of amusement. “Better now, Kitten?”

      “Yes,” Peter answered, her voice husky. She wiped her eyes and fanned herself, feeling suddenly very hot. “That was…” she cleared her throat, “strong.”

      “I’ve probably ruined wine for you by not warning you in time,” Hook mused, but Peter proved him wrong by picking up the glass again and taking a tentative sip.

      “I remember wine,” she said softly, her eyes staring off in the distance. “I hated it. Uncle drank it, and I could smell it on him and know he’d be bad. Liam gave me some of the cheap kind when it was cold and he could nick it… it helped warm me up but it tasted terrible.” She took another sip, her eyes slipping closed. “This is nicer. I knew it shouldn’t be nasty if you were drinking it, but at the last second I remembered that I used to gulp it down.”

      “Its not fine wine,” Hook said as he picked up his own glass once more. “Mason started making wine and whiskey when we realized we’d be here for awhile. I don’t know how long we’ve been here, but it’s been long enough for it to age well.”

      Peter cocked her head, thinking. “I wonder how long I’ve been here? I don’t even remember the year when I left.”

      “Do you know of any current events? Who was the monarch at the time?” Hook asked, suddenly curious about the era that had spawned Peter Pan.

      “Dunno,” Peter answered, “I was too busy trying to live from one day to the next.” She smiled, remembering happy times along with the sad. “Those were some adventures! He taught me so much. I learned how to fight, and he showed me the best ways to get away from the bobbies. I learned to steal and beg, and how to distract a vendor while Liam swiped some apples or bread. He introduced me to his mates, and by spring I was the newest member of their gang.” Peter snorted, remembering something else. “They called me Slick because the bobs couldn’t keep a hold on me, even when they’d caught me square. I always got away. Since I was so small, they used me for housebreaking once or twice. I’d crawl though windows or down chimneys. I loved it, knowing that I could get caught any moment.

      “I’d come to love Liam by then, he was like a big brother to me. He always let me eat first and gave me the better blankets. He even nicked me a necklace once, so I could have something girly to wear and not forget what I really was. He wanted me to be a boy because he knew what they’d do to me… he said the same thing you said, that they’d make me a whore. But he didn’t want me to forget I was a girl, and always told me that we’d score big one day and he’d buy me dresses and jewelry, and feed me so much pudding and pastries that I’d get fat and look like a proper woman.” Her voice hitched as she stifled a sob. “I miss him.”

      Hook patted her gently on the knee, wanting to offer her a token of sympathy. A token was all he could manage, though. “How did he die?”

      Peter clutched her blanket again and stared at Hook’s feet. “Our gang turned on us when they found out I was a girl. They wanted to hurt me… ‘have a go’ Jonas said. Liam was already pretty hurt, but he jumped on Jonas so I could run away. I hid in a tree so I could still see, I didn’t want to leave him but I knew better than stay. They beat him up, seven on one, and then Jonas stuck a knife in his chest. They laughed, kicked him again, and came looking for me.”

      “Did they find you?” Hook asked, praying that they hadn’t.

      Peter thought for a long moment, but she couldn’t answer his question. “Not right then, but I don’t know about after. The last thing I remember was going back to Liam after they’d left. He was still alive, but he knew he was done for. He told me to keep up the pretend and never let anyone know I was a girl, not till I was big enough to hold my own. I remembered him dying and then I woke up.”

      Hook thought for a little while and watched Peter sip more of the wine. He had a few more questions he needed answered, but he was hesitant to ask her. They really were inappropriate, but as her guardian they were things he needed to know.

      “I should go,” Peter said, setting her glass aside. “I don’t know if telling you this will help me sleep, but I think I do feel better.”

      “How did your gang find out you were a girl, Kitten?” Hook asked. He knew there were lots of ways such a deception could be revealed, nearly all of them innocent. She could have been changing clothes, relieving herself, or there may have been a careless word spoken between her and Liam. But he remembered what she’d said about him touching her, and he knew that was a good way to get caught too. And by the interesting shade of scarlet the girl was turning, he realized with a sinking stomach that he’d hit the mark.

      “I don’t want to talk about it,” she muttered, sliding out of the chair to leave. She didn’t get but a step before Hook’s fist was in her hair, jerking her back. She yelped, hands flying up to try to extricate the painful grip, but he merely pulled harder, spinning her around to face him.

      “I wish to make a couple of things clear to you, Kitten,” Hook said calmly, but his eyes flamed with anger. “First, when I ask you a question, I want it answered correctly and to my satisfaction. Don’t ever again tell me you won’t answer because you don’t wish to, and you’d certainly better not lie. I tolerated you evading questions earlier because you were ill. I won’t do it any longer. Second, you came here tonight because you needed to talk to someone, and for whatever reason you chose me. You’re going to tell me everything you can remember that’s bothering you, because I’m not going to have you knocking on my door an hour from now when you still can’t sleep. Third, I am your guardian, and I have the right to know if my ward has been molested. Fourth and finally,” he let go of her hair and caught her chin in his palm, gently but firmly forcing her to look at him while he leaned closer.

      “I’m trying to help you, Peter Pan. By Pew, I don’t really know why I’m bothering, but for some reason I’m compelled to help you get through this. Part of it is fascination, part of it’s vengeance… part of it may be that you’ve matured in my eyes and I find you much more tolerable now. But whatever my reasons, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me everything that’s upsetting you.”

      Peter glared at the man, her eyes sparkling with anger. She’d bristled at reason number one, and the two following that had upset her so much that all the sincerity and concern he put into number four couldn’t make a dent in her resolve. “You don’t care about me,” she snarled, “I don’t know why you continue to pretend. All of this is about getting your revenge and amusing yourself at my expense. Why else could you possibly want to know what Liam did to me? Is it that you’ve got some sick fascination with the whole idea and want details?” Her voice was steadily rising and her whole body shook as she fought to maintain a semblance of self-control and not attack the man.

      “No!” Hook snapped. “I just want to know…”

      “If you want details, I’ll give them to you,” she yelled, stepping away from him. “I’ll tell you every detail of every time he touched me, and when I’m done I don’t ever want to speak to you AGAIN!”

      Hook tried to stop her at first, to calm her down and try to reason with her. He didn’t want details, the idea of hearing her describe what he already saw in his imagination horrified him. He merely wanted to know the extent of what had been done to her, especially if Liam had taken her virginity. But Peter refused to hear him and her voice rose in volume and pitch whenever he tried to interrupt. All too soon, Hook found himself standing in shocked silence, listening to the girl describe in grim detail how she’d paid for Liam’s protection.

      He let her rage, watching her carefully as she stormed about the cabin. She’d pick up random things as she spoke, examine them intently in her efforts to not look at him, and then drop or toss them aside. He didn’t even wince as several valuable items shattered on the boards – he was too busy wincing at her words. And then she fell silent, and the only sounds in the cabin were of Short Tom ruffling his feathers and Peter’s rapid breathing.

      Hook gripped the high back of the chair before him, his eyes closing briefly in relief. He didn’t rape her… odds and bobs, there’s at least that. He didn’t get that far. The teen had apparently satisfied himself with groping for the most part – in the beginning demanding to be allowed to touch her intimately and in the end teaching her how to touch him back. Those lessons had only started a few weeks before he died and had not progressed much. But if he hadn’t died… eventually he’d have demanded it all.

      The silence was heavy and becoming worse with every second. Hook knew he needed to say something to alleviate it, but he also knew the wrong word would drive her further away. He had seriously damaged the tenuous trust he’d gained with her, and one wrong word now would shatter it completely and beyond repair. He wanted to rail against Liam, but that would make her defensive. If he offered sympathy, she’d likely think he was being insincere, or worse, having fun on her account. She wouldn’t look at him at all now, standing across the room. He could see her face in profile, lowered to gaze at her feet, cheeks flushed with shame.

      Shame… she’s ashamed of what he’s done… what she let him do, Hook realized. She blames herself! “It’s not your fault,” he said quietly. Peter startled and glanced at him briefly, but remained silent. “You were only eight, desperate and alone. You had to do what you could to survive, and there’s no shame in that. Every man on this ship has had to do things they didn’t like to survive, even Billy Jukes, and no one here will think less of you for it. You’re a survivor, Peter; I knew that about you a long time ago. Liam is the one who should have been ashamed. He took advantage of a small child and demanded too high a price for things your family should have provided you for free.”

      “I fought him at first,” she said quietly. “The first time he wanted to touch me. He said it was part of our deal to share everything, and that meant myself too. When I said no, he told me to leave.”

      “But it was winter and you had nowhere to go. You most likely would have died if you’d left.” Peter looked at him again, longer this time, and Hook saw the beginnings of gratitude in her eyes. “He may as well have put a knife at your throat.”

      “I wish he had,” Peter answered bitterly, “then I wouldn’t feel so weak for giving in.”

      “For a small, lost child, abandonment is more frightening than death.”

      “’It was only touching,’ I told myself. I know there’s more that could have happened. I’d heard of sex but never seen it… just a vague idea of what goes on.” She grimaced, “The gang liked to tell terrible stories about their ‘conquests’ and that’s when I learned about rape. Once I’d joined them and summertime turned hot, we started sleeping outside in the park together. It was cooler outside at night, but you only did it in groups or you might not wake up. Liam kept his hands more to himself then, except occasionally when we were alone.”

      She turned to Hook, clenching her fists. “That’s how I got found out. It was late and we were camped in Kensington Gardens. Everyone was asleep, but Liam was wanting some attention. I didn’t want to, I was scared someone would wake up. We argued about it, and we thought we were being quiet but the guy closest to us woke up. Jonas saw what Liam was making me do, and he jumped up and started calling Liam a queer.

      “The other guys took up for me, thinking that Liam was taking advantage of me. They decided to beat the queer out of Liam, though, and I couldn’t make them stop. Then a few punches into it, Liam told them I was a girl so they’d stop.”

      “To save himself, he gave you to the wolves,” Hook mused darkly.

      Peter nodded. “Jonas put his hand down my pants to verify it. Next thing I knew, they all wanted to take turns with me. Some of them started talking about how much money they could make off me every night. That’s when Liam jumped Jonas and I managed to slip free and run. I hid and watched them kill him.” Peter looked away again and continued, “I killed him. If I’d just done what he wanted and not argued, Jonas wouldn’t have woke up…”

      “If he’d kept his filthy hands to himself, he wouldn’t have gotten caught!” Hook barked, striding towards the girl. He knelt down to her eye level and took her arm, forcing her to face him. “He said he loved you. Whether he really did or not isn’t my place to guess. But if he really loved you, he’d have given you food, shelter, and protection for free. I’m a pirate and I don’t love you, but I’m giving you all that and I haven’t demanded you do anything for me in return except be civil. His death isn’t your fault and you’ve no cause for shame for doing what you had to do to survive.”

      “Thank you,” Peter whispered, her surprise and gratitude at Hook’s reaction nearly rendering her speechless. She’d expected him to be disgusted with her, or to take some kind of malevolent glee in her shame. She hadn’t expected him to understand and offer comfort, much less try to absolve her of her guilt. And, strangely enough, she did feel most of the guilt and shame lift from her heart. If there was one person in Neverland she expected to condemn her, it was Hook, so if he said that she had no reason to feel bad then perhaps she didn’t. She desperately wanted to believe him, and the open sincerity he was showing her gave her something to hold on to. Not my fault… none of it was me. I love Liam, but he used me and it wasn’t my fault. He shouldn’t have done it, I never wanted to and he had NO RIGHT!

      Hook smiled at her thanks and carefully dried her face. He could barely contain his joy as he realized how much this volatile talk had turned in his favor. He could plainly see the gratitude in Peter’s eyes and knew he’d scored a major victory tonight. He’d regained her trust and so much more by simply being understanding and sympathetic. I must remember this night the next time she fights me, and try this method again. “Let’s get comfortable and calm ourselves down by talking about pleasanter things. Unless of course there’s something else bothering you?”

      “No,” Peter answered, letting him escort her to her chair. “I feel a lot better now. Lighter, somehow.”

      “Confiding in someone helps, and I hope you continue to confide in me, Kitten.” When Peter nodded, he hid his triumphant grin behind his wineglass. “Well, you’ve shared with me, so now I’ll share with you. But I’ll share a happy story, one about me when I was a young pirate on my first voyage. Hopefully by the end of my tale we’ll both feel like getting some sleep.”

      Peter smiled and nodded, welcoming the distraction, and listened in delight to the fantastic yet mostly fabricated tale Hook spun for her. Much later, escorted to her own bed by Hook and tucked in securely, she slept soundly and without dreams.