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Choosing Sides

Chapter Eighteen

Panther let Peter leave when he was satisfied the boy had healed enough that he wasn't going to reopen the wound. It had been over a week since Slightly had disappeared, and Peter was anxious to see his friend. Panther had stopped drugging him when he'd promised not to try to leave, and he was able to make that promise when Tink had explained how the fairies were watching Slightly. Since then, he'd listened to Wendy, Nibs, and Panther when they talked about the wayward boy, and they all had discussed what the best course of action to take was. Peter was inclined to listen to Panther, the shaman understood people. And according to Panther, the best thing would be to leave Slightly in peace, but to stay close for when the boy needed them.

When Peter left the village, he didn't go home. He had Tink take him straight to where Slightly now lived. Ever so quietly, Peter alighted in the tree next to Wendy and hid with her in the branches, peeking through the leaves at the boy. He smiled in relief when he saw the boy with his own eyes.

Slightly fed more wood into his campfire and put the fish onto a spit to cook. He leaned back against a log and pulled out his knife. Working slowly and deliberately, he continued his carving of the wolf that sat across the fire from him. It was strange knowing he was being watched, but he ignored the feeling like he usually did. What could I do about it anyway? The island's not that big.

Neko had shown up the day he'd talked to Hook. The wolf followed him everywhere and stayed with him all night while he slept. Slightly didn't mind, the wolf brought back game and fish for meals, which kept him from having to set snares. He'd eaten well for the past few days, and felt stronger than he had in a while. The ointment Panther had sent was wonderful stuff, and now the worst of the cuts only barely stung. Slightly was as close to cheerful as he'd been since Peter had banished him over a month ago, now that he was being fed regularly and wasn't being beaten and threatened.

This is actually fairly easy, he thought as he continued to shape the wood into Neko's semblance. Nibs isn't the only artistic one. He sighed as he thought of Nibs and his almost good mood vanished. Now that he wasn't worrying about surviving, he had way too much time to think. Thinking made him depressed. I wonder what they're doing. Probably playing, or on some adventure with Peter. His mood became black when he thought of his ex-friend. If Peter's still alive. Wendy's note said he was doing better. I'm sure he's fine. Probably forgotten about me by now.

"That's beautiful, Slightly," Wendy said softly as she alighted beside Neko.

Slightly looked up in alarm and stood. He stared at the girl stonily, waiting to see if the others had come, too.

"Is that going to be Neko?" Wendy asked, trying to get the boy to speak. No one had bothered him for days, and she and Peter had decided to test the waters. Peter knew better than to step into the boy's sight, and they both knew Slightly would be more likely to open up to Wendy than anyone else, except maybe Billy.

Slightly looked at the lump of wood and frowned. Who was he kidding? He couldn't do anything right, and this thing was the ugliest carving ever. He shrugged and tossed it into the fire.

"No!" Wendy protested and picked the wood out of the flames. She burned her hand but saved the carving. She blew on her burned fingers and tried not to cry from the pain.

Slightly was horrified when he saw the tears fall from her eyes and saw how red her fingers were. See? I hurt everyone I love. He retrieved the jar of ointment and went to Wendy. She let him take her hand and smear the balm on the burns.

Wendy sighed in relief as it cooled her fingers and smiled. "Thank you, Slightly," she said softly and hugged the boy. She held on even when the boy stiffened in her arms. She smiled as she felt his arms tentatively go around her to return the hug. "We love you, Slightly." Suddenly she found herself stumbling back as Slightly shoved her away.

Leave me alone, the boy thought in despair. I don't want to feel! It hurts too much to love. He saw the upset look on Wendy's face and fled from her, running to the new hiding place he'd found. She called out after him, apologizing and asking him to come back, but he kept going. He finally reached the small cave and wiggled inside. The burrow was small, he couldn't stretch out or sit up in it, but he was safe here.

Wendy sighed and looked up. "I almost reached him. He still loves us, he's just afraid. I guess we should try again in a few days."

Peter dropped out of the tree and walked up to her. "How's your hand?"

"It's fine. The ointment he put on it helped a lot. I should get some for home."

Peter nodded and looked around. "Cozy. We'll try again later. Maybe I'll come see him. Until then, there's a good field close by. Maybe we should start playing there more often."

"Why?" Wendy asked.

"Let him come to us. He'll know we're nearby if he wants to see us, but we won't seek him out. If it bothers him, he'll move and we'll try something else."

Wendy nodded and looked at the half-finished carving. She laid it on top of the log and turned to the wolf. "Thank you for watching over him, Neko. Please keep him safe and don't let mean old Captain Hook close to him again." She gave the wolf an affectionate pat and flew home with Peter.

* * *

Slightly sat on the rock and looked down. He'd come here for the past couple of days to think - it gave him perspective. The water rushed past him on either side, wetting him with spray as it splashed against his rock. The roar of Forget-Me-Not Falls deafened him as he stared at the drop beneath his feet. The rock jutted out of the water at the drop-off point, and was his new favorite place to be.

I should have died. Twice I was supposed to drown, so why didn't I? He'd been thinking about death a lot lately, and it wasn't as scary as he used to believe. His father had nearly killed him; Peter had nearly killed him (though he had now decided that his fall really had been an accident); Hook, the mermaids, the pixie... they had all tried. Even Billy had tried, but he couldn't go through with it. Either I'm invincible, or I have the worst luck ever. Based on the bruises, cuts and scars he'd obtained in those near-death experiences, he was leaning towards the luck theory.

I wonder if anyone else has ever gone over the falls and lived? I wonder if I could do it twice. He didn't want to try. What little of the experience he had been conscious for was extremely unpleasant. I did drown. I breathed in the water. Then I hit the rock and it all came back out. Luck. Idly, he mused on whether that constituted good luck or bad luck.

He sat for a long time, staring out over Neverland. It was a beautiful day, nicer than most. It was the kind of day that made you think maybe being alive wasn't so bad after all. I miss my friends, he decided. He'd watched them play near his camp for the past few days. Tag, hide-and-seek, dodge ball - they'd play all those kinds of games, even once while it rained. Peter seemed unusually content to not have death-defying adventures, but that was likely because his wound still bothered him, a constant reminder of just how real danger was.

Okay, I'm bored now, Slightly thought and stood up. Leaping from rock to rock to get out here was anything but boring, and once again he wished he could fly. I miss it. I just can't make myself light enough. He turned to go back to the bank -

And jumped back in surprise when he suddenly found Peter hovering less than two feet away.

"Shit!" he yelled as he lost his footing and toppled off of the rock. He never touched the water. Instead, he free fell into the void and plummeted towards the pool beneath the falls. No, not again, no no no - he thought in panic.

Then he felt arms around him and his descent slowed. He grabbed Peter back, holding on for dear life and let the boy carry him away.

"I'm sorry, Slightly," Peter said as he carried the boy up into the clouds, away from the roar of the falls. "I didn't mean to scare you. I'm sorry about everything."

Slightly peeked up from Peter's shoulder to look at the boy's face. He was a bit shocked to see that Peter was crying. He looked around and frowned, wondering where they were going.

It didn't take long for Peter to find a cloud thick enough to hold both of them. Gingerly, he stood Slightly on the wispy mass, nodding in relief when the boy sank to his knees and stopped. He floated back a few feet and alighted, giving Slightly some space.

Slightly tested his feet, afraid of falling again. He sat down and began running his fingers through the pinkish-white cloud, marveling at how it felt. It always reminded me of spider webs. I forgot how nice this was. He glanced at Peter, wondering what the boy was up to.

"This is better," Peter said. "It's quiet... no people, and no distractions. I hope Codfish doesn't decide to make this cloud Swiss cheese - I think we both have had enough of the Jolly Roger for now.

Slightly nodded and stared at Peter as the eternal youth sat back in the cloud, fluffing up a bit to make a pillow to recline on.

"I've been thinking a lot lately," he said, then shot a look at Slightly. "Seriously. Everybody laughs when I say that, and it kinda hurts my feelings. It's not my fault I forget things." He noted how Slightly's expression didn't change and stared up again into the blue sky. "I guess it shows how much you hate me that you didn't laugh."

Slightly's mouth dropped open. How could he possibly hate Peter? He'd been angry at him, yes, but never hate. "I..." he said, but his voice squeaked from not being used. Peter looked at him and he tried again. "Don't hate you."

Peter's face brightened a bit. "You don't? I thought - since you wouldn't talk and you kept running away..." Peter sighed. "I came here to talk. No more pretending, no more hiding. Us, just us, talking like we used to do. I miss you. I'm glad you don't hate me, but I hate myself a whole lot right now. I was stupid and stubborn, just like Tink said. I made up my mind about you and couldn't admit I was wrong, not even to myself. I love you, Slightly. I always have, even when I thought you were a pirate. That's why I was so angry... the thought that you, of all my Lost Boys, would betray me... it hurt a lot. It hurt more than when Mr. Jukes put my knife in my stomach."

Slightly shook his head. "Never. I'd never turn on you. Die first."

"I know. I don't know what to say or do. I hurt you so much and I made it so Hook could hurt you. I keep wanting to do something to make you want to forgive me. I keep thinking I should hurt myself, that maybe you'd feel better if I was gone. Maybe let Hook have me like I let him have you."

"NO!" Slightly yelled, panic in his eyes. "Hook doesn't deserve you."

Peter looked at his friend, the tears fresh again. He moved closer to the boy and handed him his knife. "I wronged two people. I wronged you and Billy, because I got angry that you were friends. Billy got me back, and I don't hold it against him that he stabbed me." He sat up straight. "Please don't keep on like this. You don't speak, and you won't let anyone near you. If I hurt you so much you can't get over it, take your revenge and be happy again. Kill me and go back to Wendy. It's hurting her that you don't love us anymore."

Slightly felt horror grow inside him as he stared at the knife. "You don't understand," he whispered as he began to shake.

"Explain it to me then," Peter whispered back.

"I do love you..." Slightly began, and his carefully constructed walls began to crack. He saw the pain in Peter's face, the need to understand, and he knew he had to continue. "I love all of you. I'm scared. I'm scared of loving and being loved because it hurts so much. And I'm angry. I'm angry at you and father and Hook and Nibs, and everybody in Neverland. I'm angry at myself for being weak and for not being good enough at anything..." He saw Peter try to object, so he closed his eyes and let everything come crashing through. Every thought, every feeling, every memory and nightmare he gave voice to, speaking the things he'd been afraid to say, so afraid of admitting that they had silenced him completely. He cried, he screamed, he even laughed a couple of times. Everything came out, raged in a disjointed, confusing mass of randomness.

Peter sat quietly and let Slightly go. He knew Slightly was rambling, that the words and thoughts weren't connected together in any coherent order. When Slightly spoke of Jenny and his parents, Peter felt his memory tickle, but no images came forth. It's like Chief Panther said, he needs Spring Cleaning in his heart. So Peter sat still and quiet, a rock in the storm of Slightly's pain and fear. When the boy became hysterical, Peter held his friend tightly, letting Slightly keep going till he was done, but being there for him throughout.

After a long while, Slightly stopped talking. He sat in Peter's embrace and cried, holding on to the other boy tightly. "I'm sorry, Peter," he whispered when his sobs subsided. "Will you forgive me?"

Peter didn't know what there was to forgive, but it didn't matter. "Of course I do. Will you forgive me for being an ass?"

Slightly nodded, "Yes."

"Are you ready to come home now? Or should we go to your camp?"

"Home," Slightly said wistfully, thinking of how much he missed that place.

Peter took that as agreement and smiled. "Let's go! Everyone will be so happy to see you!" He leapt into the air and began to fly away.

"Peter!" Slightly yelled, "Wait, I can't fly!"

Peter giggled and flew back. "Silly, you already are!"

Slightly looked down and gasped. He was hovering a good three feet above the cloud. "How?"

Peter flew close and winked at his friend. "How does your heart feel?"

Slightly thought for a bit. "Lighter. It still hurts and I'm still sad... but I feel lighter."

"Hope, forgiveness, love, trust," Peter said softly, "you have those back. Even if you're sad and hurt, as long as you have room for those good feelings, they'll keep you from falling."

"I'm afraid," Slightly admitted.

"Me too. But if we try together it'll be better. I'll catch you if you fall, and I won't ever miss again," Peter swore.

Slightly nodded and took Peter's hand. He was wobbly and weak in the air, but Peter kept his grip and steadied him every time he faltered. Together they went back to the underground house.

* * *

Wendy had hoped that Peter would be able to speak with Slightly. She was nervous, though - afraid that Slightly was too far gone to listen. So when both boys unexpectedly flew into the home and stood before her and the rest of the boys, everyone stared in shocked silence.

Slightly stared back at everyone, his fear returning ten-fold. Suddenly the room felt small and stifling and the eyes that watched him seemed hostile. He felt the need to flee, and he stepped back, trying to pull his hand from Peter's grip.

Peter felt Slightly tense up and pull away. He turned to the boy and gave him his best smile. Somebody, say something! It can't look like you're welcoming him back because I said so.

Slightly saw Peter's cocky grin and his doubts turned into full-blown paranoia. He wouldn't have done all that to bring me here just to play a prank, he tried to reassure himself. Peter's not that cold. He remembered Peter and the others when they'd cast him out, and he remembered that Peter Pan could, indeed, be stone cold when he was angry.

Wendy noticed the discomfort in Slightly's face and realized it was becoming panic. She stepped forward and held out her arms. "Welcome home, Slightly," she said warmly and smiled.

Like ice melting in an open fire, Slightly's misgivings disappeared. He let Wendy pull him into a hug and held her back. He heard the other boys repeat her words, shouting "Welcome Home" and "We missed you." They surrounded him, touching and hugging him and he cried again. But this time his tears were tears of happiness.

* * *

"Are you sure this is what you want, Slightly?" Tink asked the boy. They sat in Panther's medicine tent again, and the pixie and the shaman were watching him closely.

Slightly glanced at Peter and nodded. "Yes. I don't want to remember being Jason. Jason died a long time ago. I'm Slightly, I have been ever since I woke up here. I'll see Jenny and mother again in heaven one day. Until then, I don't think they'd mind if I could be happy."

Panther nodded. "Very well. Lie down and we will grant your wish." When the boy complied, he and Tinker Bell began the complicated weaving of fairy and Indian magics that would make Slightly forget.

Slightly yawned and realized the chanting had stopped. He frowned a bit, "I don't think it worked."

"Do you remember your real name?" Tink asked.

"Slightly," he replied, then stopped. No, there was another name... long ago. "It's gone!" he whispered in amazement.

"How do you feel?" Panther asked him, making sure he wasn't harmed.

"I'm slightly wonderful," the boy answered, laughing in relief.

"Good work!" Peter said happily, "I've never seen two different magics go together like that... the sparks were pretty."

"Yeah, but the smoke and pixie dust are making my eyes burn," Billy complained good-naturedly.

Slightly blinked in confusion. "Billy? You weren't here before, when did you get here?"

"I've been here a good two hours, cully," Billy replied, "You've been in a weird trance for awhile."

Peter smiled smugly, looking pleased with himself. "I invited Billy here. Today is your Forgetting Day, and we decided that all of your friends should be here for you."

"It was Wendy's idea," Tink whispered loudly.

"Do you still remember being on the ship?" Billy asked, leaning forward. He wasn't sure if Slightly should or not.

Slightly nodded. "Yeah, but it's slightly fuzzy... like it happened a long time ago. It doesn't hurt to remember anymore."

"Good," Billy nodded, "then I can give you this." He handed Slightly a small pouch that made a jingling sound.

"What is it?" Slightly asked as he opened the pouch. He poured out the contents and stared in amazement and the four gold and six silver coins that lay in his hand.

"Wages and compensation. Hook gave me the day ashore to come see you, with the excuse that I'm here on his business. He said I can be friends with you, but I have to be a pirate first and try to capture you if I can. I figure you'll just capture me a whole lot instead. Cap'n's got a temper, and he goes off the edge sometimes. He says he don't remember trying to kill you, and I believe him. He's not against killing, but he thinks the method he used on you was 'barbaric', specially since using whips on kids is generally looked down on. This is your compensation for the harm he did ya and for the extra work you did. I pointed out to him that your room and board was pretty sparse, so he tossed in some extra."

"I slightly don't need money, Billy," Slightly said as he stared at the coins.

"As much as that man loves treasure, it means a lot that he's parting with some, especially that much. And to be giving it to a Lost Boy... I believe he means the apology. He really did like ya, was going to give you his name and all. If you keep it, it means you accept his apology, and things go back to normal between you two - Lost Boy and Cap'n Hook. If you send it back, you'll basically be telling him to go to Hell. It's your call."

Slightly looked at Peter, afraid of looking like he was allying with Hook if he accepted.

But Peter smiled and nodded. "Like Billy said, its pirate treasure, and the only thing I've seen Hook surrender treasure for is the chance to kill me. Remember the Rake? He was going to let his ship sink to keep that treasure. I think he means it, too. If you forgive him, then keep it. If it was me, I'd say "Go to Hell," but I've got no room to talk."

Slightly put the coins back in the sack and put it beside him. "I'll keep it. Maybe I'll trade 'em for something slightly nice at Small Monday Island Fair."

Billy smiled in relief. "He also sent a message. If you decide to grow up, come join his ship and you can be his cabin-boy. But as long as you're with Pan, you're no different from any other Lost Boy."

"I'll always be a Lost Boy," Slightly said firmly.

"No problem," Billy said, looking around. "Umm... well, I guess I should go now."

"What's your hurry?" Peter asked.

"I'm interrupting..." Billy protested.

"He gave you the day ashore?"

"Uh, yes," Billy said carefully.

"So you won't get in trouble if you stay awhile?"

"Probably not..."

"Good!" Slightly and Peter said at once. They laughed and Slightly continued. "So you can slightly stay for the party!"

"Party?" Billy said weakly, feeling trapped.

"Slightly's 'Welcome Back' party," Peter explained. "Tink used her magic to make a cake and everyone's at home decorating. It's at our house, so we'll have blindfold you 'till we get there. We're gonna raid the Jolly Roger tonight, to remind Codfish of what he's been missing. We'll carry you back then and you can say we held you prisoner and forced you to eat cake."

"Because I'm definitely not taking 'no' for an answer," Slightly threatened, smiling. "I was a pirate for a month, you can slightly be a Lost Boy for one day."

Billy laughed and shook his head. "All right! Stop twisting my arm, I'll go. Are all of you such bullies?"

"We're Lost Boys," Slightly replied happily.

They bid the Indians farewell. After blindfolding Billy, Peter and Slightly lifted him between them and flew home to the friends that awaited them there.

The End
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